50 Letters Between Sam and Dean
by myguyssamanddean
Summary: Sam and Dean's romantic relationship begins and progresses through letters. Warnings: Slash, Incest, Attempted Suicide. Please leave comments. It makes my day!


Sam,

You know I'm not very good at expressing feelings. I'd rather pick up one of your favorite snacks at the gas station or let you pick what we watch on television. Since when are you into Animal Planet, by the way? It sucks when you choose that but I sit and watch it because I told you that you could choose. So, dude, if you're doing that to yank my chain, knock it off. It is actually hell for me to watch.

I know almost everything about you. You know the same about me. Those years when you were at Stanford, well, we're still catching up on what happened those years.

I can't believe I kissed you before I left this morning. You were just standing there, so close. It was too hard for me to resist. Then, in my typical fashion, I dashed away before you could respond or say anything.

I don't know if you've decided that you hate me. I don't know if you thought the kiss was okay. I don't know if you are as confused about it all as I am at this point.

I'll talk to you on the phone and you'll give me the research that I need. But, I know we won't talk about that kiss. Neither one of us will bring it up.

I'm writing this letter because my actions this morning weren't done on the spur of the moment. It was from years of fighting feelings that overwhelmed me at that moment. You'll probably have some speech ready for me when I get home, so I wanted to get my argument in first.

I think this could be the beginning of something awesome for both of us. I just hope that you will give that idea a chance to bounce around your mind with everything else that must be in there right now.

Dean

Dean,

I'm leaving this note on the table because then I know you'll see it as soon as you walk in. I know we've spoken since you kissed me out of the blue, but we haven't discussed it at all. I received your letter today, and you made sense.

I had been beating myself up over what I could have or should have done. Those things don't really matter anyway. The important thing is what I wanted to do. Right?

I wanted to kiss you back but you left too soon. I wanted to call you back but I was afraid that you'd regretted it and you were running from me.

I'm not going to wait up for you because I want you to read this. I want you to know what you want before we bring up the topic. I already know what I want. I want you.

Sam

Sam,

I found a place today where Dad used to hang out at called The Roadhouse. There were some hunters there, strangers to me. I just sat back and watched them--seeing who was with what group and the outsiders. Some of them seem crazy--crazier than the usual hunter. You know how crazy that is.

Ellen owns The Roadhouse and her daughter, Jo, works there. Ellen said Dad used to be a regular at The Roadhouse but I don't remember him mentioning it. Do you?

I'm glad you decided to go back to Stanford. It must be hard with memories of Jessica hanging around. School is where you belong. I'll need someone to support me when I'm done hustling pool and scamming credit card companies.

Sometimes, on quiet nights like this, I miss our conversations, even our fights. I guess they'll keep until I get home and we can have them there.

I will see you soon. I don't plan on being gone much longer. You know all the things in my heart that I just can't say. Remember those things, Sammy.

Dean

Dean,

I have some of my old friends here at school, and some of Jessica's friends, too. But, they aren't the same. Maybe I'm the one who has changed. I just don't feel like I fit in here anymore, if I ever did.

I don't recall Dad talking about The Roadhouse, Ellen or Jo. Are you sure they knew Dad or where they lying, trying to get information from you about him?

I try to study and I wonder how you are doing. I attend class and wonder if you made it back to the motel okay.

Your hunting is making my grades suffer. Maybe I can go hunting with you over Christmas break. Or, we could just spend the whole time here. I think I might like that better. You would, too, if you actually admitted to the feelings you have for me. Even when you don't admit them, I know they are there.

I know you can't say that you love me, but I love you just the same.

Sam

Sammy,

Tonight I had a simple salt and burn. It was nothing, really. It was just a nasty spirit of a schoolmarm. She was coming back to scare the students who slacked off. So, she would have been after me. But she would have loved you, Geekboy.

I haven't gone by The Roadhouse this trip and I don't know if I'll go back. I didn't give them any information on Dad when I was there. I didn't give them information on any of us.

I care about you, Sammy. Hunting used to be the most important thing in my life and now I can't wait to complete the job and come home to you.

Just kissing you makes our lives right, even though anyone else might see it differently. I laugh now when I think back to the first time I kissed you and then worried until I got back about how you felt about it.

I'll hurry home as soon as I'm done. Home to you, Sammy.

Dean

Dean,

Tonight I miss your kisses. I miss your laughter. Your whispers in the dark the contain the words you can't say in the light. Mostly, I miss your body next to mine when I sleep.

My friends here are wondering why I'm not dating. I try to just tell them that I'm not over Jessica yet. Jessica's friends accept that as an answer and promise to try to set me up on a blind date when I'm up to it. My friends don't get it because I don't seem all that miserable, at least when you are home. When you are gone, the story about not being over Jessica is more believable. I'm more believable as a hurt boyfriend, because I miss you.

I've been busy with papers and exams. The sink faucet is still leaky, you'll need to remember to fix it the next time you're home. I'd try to fix it but you've banned me from using your tools ever since you tried to teach me simple car maintenance. Luckily, our apartment is within walking distance to class.

I want to feel your lips against mine, on my skin, taking my breath away.

Sammy

Sammy,

Your latest letter made me want you. Want you right then. That's an evil thing to do to me, Sammy, when I can't do a damn thing about it. I had to stand in a cold shower until I thought my cock might just shrivel up and fall off. Since you're always into books, figure out how we would fix something like that. You know, in case it ever comes to that.

I hated hunting today. I did hours of research in the local library, someone put a door ding in the Impala (that sonofabitch better hope I never find him), and during my trip to the local cemetery, an angry spirit slammed me against a tree. Remind me again why I do this damn stuff?

I'm behaving, just icing my back and neck. I'll have one hell of a bruise to show you when I get home.

I wish you were taking care of me tonight. I never hurt as bad when you're tending to my injuries instead of me.

Dean

Dean,

You know I'd be there taking care of you if you hadn't insisted that school was the right path for me. I know, we both agreed. I just hate hearing about you hurting and all alone.

You don't feel as bad when I'm tending to you because I have had years of cleaning, stitching and bandaging you. I could probably tell you where most of your scars came from. Hunting isn't for the weak of heart or those afraid of pain. I always thought you were a little too macho when you got hurt, but I saw through it to what you really needed. Same as you did when I needed something but didn't say so.

Come home soon. I aced an exam and I want to celebrate.

You've been gone too long. I miss you.

Sammy

Sammy,

What a celebration we had! After such a rotten hunting trip, it was so nice to come home to you. Your touch, your hands all over my body, is addictive. I long to touch every inch of your body.

My bruise wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was still great how you pampered me anyway.

Still on the road to get where I am going. I will be stopping at Bobby's to pick him up on the way. He's my Latin backup when you aren't around.

As I sit here writing this letter, there is so much more I can't find the words to say. I crave your touch, Sammy.

Dean

Dean,

Last night I dreamed that you came home early. I was asleep in bed and when I opened my eyes, there you were. You didn't say anything about your trip. You didn't say anything at all. You kissed me and then we started touching, gasping and breathing in each other's scent. It was just a steamy dream, but when I woke up, I missed you even more.

I'm glad that Bobby is going with you. I feel getter when you have backup. I hope this letter reaches Bobby's before you do so you can get it.

I love having dreams of you. The bad thing is, dreams only last until dawn. And, I need you every minute.

Sammy

Sammy,

When Bobby said he had a surprise for me, I didn't expect a letter from you. It made me smile. I had to stuff it in my pocket because Dad was there at Bobby's, too. I am not ashamed of what we have. But, I don't think he needs to know about it.

Dad was talking like you should drop out of school and come back to hunting. He said the three of us always hunted better together.

I always thought you and me did a damn good job with just the two of us. There wasn't all that tension that Dad seems to cause.

Don't quit school. Dad might want to go hunting with us over Christmas break. Even though I'd rather just spend it home with you.

Dean

Dean,

Dad just showed up at Bobby's? We spent all that time looking for him and then he just pops up out of the blue and wants me to quit school for hunting with him? Did you happen to say 'Christo' around him just to make sure?

I need you to still write to me, even if Dad will be hunting with you. I need the letters. It is a romantic gesture to send your love through old-fashioned mail. It is something I can hold in my hand and know your hands held it, too. I can reread them before bed when I miss you.

Don't ever be ashamed of what we have. We can't be judged by normal standards because we weren't a normal family. Our souls became one when we realized what we were to each other. Nothing is stronger than or takes precedence over that.

Let me know how Bobby is. Dad, too, I guess.

I miss you, so hurry back.

Sammy

Sammy,

Tonight I learned a new reason to be afraid of the dark. I was out with Dad and Bobby and we saw him--the yellow-eyed demon. He possessed a body for just a few seconds but we saw him.

I'd heard about the demon but never seen him. Just like you've only heard stories. That damn thing is real and it's still out there.

I thought of how it killed Mom, how it could have killed you. I wanted to rip it apart with my bare hands but it was gone too quick.

I can see why Dad hunts it relentlessly. It needs to be killed, Sammy. It belongs back in hell before it can hurt any other families.

If or when I hunt with Dad again, it won't affect our letters. They mean just as much to me as they do to you.

Have you been wearing my cologne to bed again? I only ask because your last letter smelled like it.

Dean

Dean,

I can only imagine what it was like to see the yellow-eyed demon. I'm sure you will be able to tell me more about it when you get home. Even though the yellow-eyed demon deserves to be killed, don't let it eclipse your heart.

You turned off your feelings long ago when you were hunting and raising me. don't let running into this demon put you back there. It's taken so long for us to get where we are. Don't let the demon take it all away from us.

Went to a scary movie with some friends last night. I think they called it a thriller. I just sat there picking it apart in my mind. They didn't have the correct myths behind the creatures or the correct way to kill them. Don't they do simple research?

I love you. No matter how caught up in hunting you are, remember that.

Sammy

Sammy,

As we drove back to Bobby's last night, I saw the full moon. I thought of all the werewolves we've killed under a full moon. You know how cool I think they are. They go from human during the day to killing machine at night. I don't feel right hunting them anymore. I still do when I have to, but I wish we knew of a way to un-turn them. It's just so sad that they don't know what's been happening to them until they're already shot and dying. I try to calm them, tell them it will be okay. Dad heard me tell one werewolf that and almost blew. You know how things are black and white with him.

I guess that means I'm keeping my heart while I am hunting. It makes life outside of hunting easier, but it makes killing harder.

Maybe I won't hunt as long as I originally thought. How close are you to that law degree?

I miss your gentle understanding.

Dean

Dean,

I'm proud of you for not giving in to Dad's hunting mentality. It would be so easy to do without me there to remind you. Just remember all you've gained since you've allowed your heart to rule your life. Most importantly, you and me.

I know we researched a way to un-turn a werewolf before, but we could try again. There might be new information that wasn't available before. Hell, ask Bobby and see if he knows of any good starting points. Just make sure Dad isn't around.

When you come home, I want to throw myself at you when you open the door. We've waited too long. I need to feel your body pressed to mine to make sure that I'm not just dreaming it again.

Sometimes I do wear your cologne to bed. It makes me feel better. Some of it may have gotten on that letter. Are you going to make an issue out of it? Didn't think so.

I need you home.

Sammy

Sammy,

When you came flying at me when I unlocked the door, I almost stepped aside because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I'm glad I stayed put and caught you. Otherwise our neighbor across the street might have wondered why you sprinted onto their lawn.

It's just me tonight. Dad went off on some other hunt. I think he's just pissed because of the werewolf thing. I figure he can simmer in it as long as he wants to. I'm not changing who I am.

It's stormy outside. It reminds me of when you were little and terrified of storms. You would crawl into bed with me and I would let you stay there because I am such an awesome brother. All you needed was the comfort of not being alone and you were fine. I have never been scared of storms, but I could still use your comfort tonight, and every night.

Dean

Dean,

From our porch, I looked at the stars tonight. I tried to remember the constellations, but failed miserably. Maybe we could bet a telescope and study astronomy. I remember it being really interesting in high school. was it a class you enjoyed?

More of the same California weather. It doesn't change much. I'm starting to get pretty tan. I've been trying to study outside so I can get some sunshine.

My friends want to meet whoever has made me so happy lately. I tell them that it can never happen. They don't like that answer but it will have to do. I'd pick you over them anyway. I can get more friends. There is not another you.

I miss you, hurry home.

Sammy

Sam,

I'm sorry for how Dad acted over Christmas break. He was more than just a little shocked to find up together like that. It was his own fault, though. He didn't tell us he was coming and he just walked in without knocking. I shooed him out of there as fast as I could. I just wanted to get him away from you, protect you.

I don't think he's going to change his mind. If we just happened to be gay and with other guys, he might be okay. But, we're not gay. We've only been with women besides each other. Dad can't handle that.

I'm not changing who I am or who I love. Don't you go changing, either. I love you the way you are.

Dean

Dean,

I think the best we can hope for from Dad is indifference toward the relationship. He'll never acknowledge it or accept it. But, he might be able to get over hating us for it.

Do you think Dad told Bobby? It's just something I'd like to know before I see Bobby again. Has he said anything to you that might indicate that he knows about us?

It should be so simple. Dad would want us to be happy and we are. He'd want us to be loved and cared for. We have that. It's just the one detail he can't get over.

I won't have him in our home. I won't have anyone in our home that looks down on us.

Even through those shitty days with Dad, I loved you. I told him as much and thought he might explode.

Neither one of us can change because we're happy with who we are.

I found some new sheets that are Egyptian cotton. They feel so good against my skin. The only thing that feels better against me is you.

Sammy

Sammy,

Dad told Bobby. Luckily, Bobby doesn't seem to mind or if he does, he keeps it to himself. He's treated me the same as always while we've been here. He'd probably treat you the same, too.

Now that the word is out, at least we have our freedom. No more trying to hide our relationship from those that are close to us.

Bobby didn't have any starting points for un-turning werewolves. He looked at me like I was nuts for asking but then just dove into his books to check it for me anyway. I think we have a steady friend in Bobby.

I miss you. I'll be home as soon as I can.

Dean

Dean,

I guess I'm a little relieved to know that Bobby doesn't care about us sleeping together. I think I value his opinion more than Dad's. I don't know if it's because Bobby's been through more or just different situations than Dad. Bobby seems better rounded. He has a balance between home and hunting.

I don't know if I dare tell the people here at school about us. I'd love to not have to lie or keep things from them. A real friend would want to know. Maybe I will tell them. Like you said, it gives us a certain freedom to be around those who know.

I found a new showerhead for you to install. It's supposed to be pulsating and massaging. I figured you might help your muscles after a hunt.

Even when you're not here, I'm always thinking of you.

I love you, Dean.

Sammy

Sammy,

It's up to you if you tell your friends at school. They might just accept it because they care about you, refuse to hear you out and just be disgusted, or just walk away from you for good. It would help for when I'm home, though. We wouldn't have to worry about running into any of them. Then, we could just be ourselves in our home and in our hometown.

This hunt is taking longer than I thought it would. I have all the information I need, you did great with that. It's just taking longer to find the damn thing is all.

I'll try to wrap it up and be home soon. You know home is my favorite place to be because you are there.

Dean

Dean,

I told Jessica's friend, Shelly about you. She was such an angel about it. She heard me out, gave me a sad smile and asked, "Do you fall in love with someone's spirit, then? Since Jessica was a woman and Dean isn't?" I told her, "Yes, I do." She asked me if you were good to me and if you made me happy. When she heard that you did, she gave me a hug and assured me that she was happy for us and Jessica would be, too.

Shelly is a wonderful girl. Maybe I should try matching her up with one of my friends. She's so good-hearted and kind. She's been single since before I met Jessica. She must be lonely.

I miss you. I'm scared to tell my other friends but you are right, we would be able to move around the town without having to worry about who saw us. I think I can come out to my friends for you, Dean. It would make our lives more enjoyable to not have to be on guard.

Hunt safely. Hurry home.

Sammy

Sammy,

That's great about Shelly. She sounds awesome, dude. We'll have to have her over sometime. We will have time to make our own circle of friends, Sammy. We will find people who like us for who we are, without reservations. I promise you we will.

Only a day or two more here. Then, I'll be able to wrap it up and head home. I was thinking of staying home a little longer this time. Do you have a vacation coming up from school?

Maybe we could go away for a weekend. Stay at a hotel with a whirlpool. Bring our own snacks and drinks, and go out only when we want to. Maybe a nice restaurant. What do you think?

I just need you.

Dean

Dean,

A weekend away sounds like just what I need. I told some of my friends yesterday and not only did they decide that we weren't friends anymore, they turned into enemies. They are spreading rumors instead of just ignoring me. Ugh. At least our groups for law projects don't include any of those other friends. The people in the groups might hear rumors but none of them have time to pay any mind to them.

I don't even need a weekend away. Just a weekend with you. We can turn off the phone and not answer the door. No usual household chores, just concentrate on us.

Once I finish school, are you going to quit hunting? We could live just a normal life. We could live off my income. We've lived off much less. Or, you could work on cars, at a sporting goods store (weapon division), a music store or a bar (as long as I can be your groupie after I'm done with work.)

Come home soon. I love you.

Sammy

Sammy,

I'm glad I stayed home longer this time. I needed to recharge. I needed you.

That hotel was great. There was no way I was going to let you talk me out of a hotel after how rotten those friends of yours were.

The whirlpool was awesome. Maybe we should get one for our home one day when we're rich. I could spend every evening curled up by you in a whirlpool. You can't tell me that you didn't enjoy it, too.

This trip has been boring so far. What I thought was a lead was nothing. So, I'm checking areas around here just to make sure I'm not missing something. I'd hate to have to come back later.

When I daydream about us, we're in the whirling water and each other's arms.

Dean

Dean,

I put that hotel in our address book. That would be a nice place to go back to. Did you notice that there was no green or orange shag carpet like most of the places we've stayed. I think the Winchesters are moving up in the world!

I can't wait until this year is over. I'm getting burn-out with all the reading, papers, and information that I am somehow just supposed to absorb. I honestly think there is no room left in my brain--it is at full capacity.

The only thing that keeps me going is that I'm doing this for us. This is our ticket to a normal life. I want it so bad for us. I know you want it, and I'd give you anything you wanted if at all possible.

I hope you finish and come home soon.

Sammy

Sammy,

I sat at the bar tonight, looked around, and decided that it wasn't a place I would like to work at. There's too much smoke and I've spent enough time in these places. They tend to be dirty, dark, and depressing.

I saved a girl from a werewolf tonight. That was my reason for going to the bar. I wanted to drink to forget the look on that man's astonished face as he died. Even though I know drinking won't make that memory fade, it's the only temporary relief I get from it until I get home to you. I know I should be proud that I saved the girl. I would shoot that werewolf again if I had to start the night over. It's just that I can't walk away once the fatal shot has been fired.

I want to be able to lie by you tonight and find comfort in your arms. That's all that would help me tonight.

Dean

Dean,

You are doing a great job out there. We learned when we were little that death isn't pretty. Dad taught us that killing was just a part of the job. And, since the job was more important than anything else in the world, killing had to be done. Now, we've grown up and learned more than just what Dad taught us.

You can't leave after shooting the fatal bullet because you're human, Dean. Although Dad might think that is a bad thing, we know it isn't. We can't un-turn the werewolves we find but we can provide them a little comfort on their way out of this world. I know it hurts you to see them die, but it is the best thing to do.

I wish you were here tonight. Nothing is wrong, really. I just miss you being here. Our home is empty without you.

Sammy

Sammy,

I spent today at Bobby's and dad showed up. We were able to keep it civil while Bobby was around. But, as soon as Bobby left the room, Dad wouldn't even look at me. Then, Bobby came back in and Dad seemed fine.

After supper, we started cracking open the beers, Bobby and Dad had some whiskey, too. Dad started discussing our relationship--talking about what happens in private between me and you--right in front of me. Dad didn't care. Bobby tried to calm him down or get him to stop but Dad just kept going.

Before long, I was yelling back at Dad and we got to the point of throwing punches when Bobby intervened. None of the punches hit anyone because we were trying not to hit Bobby, who stood between us.

I stormed outside to the porch and could hear Bobby and Dad yelling at each other. I thought back to when we used to spend summers there as kids and how wonderful Bobby made them for us. I can't be bringing all this hatred into the home of someone who provided a heaven for us when we needed it.

This will be my last night at Bobby's. I can't put Bobby in the middle of our family issues. I don't know if we should be calling for his help, either. Never can tell when Dad is just going to pop up unannounced.

The one reason I didn't leave tonight is because I've been drinking. I'll leave as soon as I wake up and be out of here before anyone else is up.

I want you still, even after all this.

Dean

Sammy,

I haven't received a letter so I guess you're still busy with school. I'm writing this on motel stationary so you have the address to send a letter to.

Dad's tried calling me a few times but I haven't answered. I did listen to his messages, though. He's mad because I upset Bobby by leaving like that. Can you believe he had the gall to call and tell me that? Like I was the one causing problems at Bobby's.

There's a gentle rain falling outside. The sound on the window is making me sleepy. I think I deserve a nap before heading down to the library.

I miss you and will try to be home soon. There's something going on in this town and I haven't quite figured it out yet.

Dean

Dean,

It is getting to be way too much for me. I think I see Jessica on campus. My friends aren't my friends anymore. I miss you. School is so much harder this time. I'm doubting my ability to finish. We've lost Dad for good over our relationship and now Bobby, too. I can't ever remember a time when Bobby wasn't a part of our lives. And now we just don't call him anymore?

It's coming at me so fast, from every direction. I feel lost and alone.

Sammy

Sammy,

Your friend Shelly called me today. She told me you're at the hospital. She said you hadn't been acting like yourself and she was worried so she stopped by. She found you in our bed in a pool of blood. You still had the knife in your hand. You had sliced open your brachial artery and were bleeding out. She called 911 and got you to the hospital.

When she went back to the house, she found your cell and called me. Now, here I am several states away. Her phone call is ringing in my mind and I can do nothing but stare at your last letter and wonder why I didn't see this coming.

I love you, Sammy. I love you forever.

I'm on my way back but this letter will probably beat me there. I asked Shelly to read any letters to you.

I love you, Sammy. Haven't you known that all along, even when I couldn't say it?

Dean

Dean,

I am leaving this at the nurses' station in case I am asleep when you arrive. I did not do this to spite anyone or because I doubted your love for me. Something just broke. No warning, no notice. Something that I needed to function just wasn't there anymore.

I know you have every right to yell and scream at me when you get here. But, please don't. You can't tell me anything I haven't already told myself. I feel bad about this and I am embarrassed about it. Can we just go on from here? Figure out what's broke and fix it?

I love you,

Sammy

Dean,

Feels strange to be writing you at our home address, but they want to keep me here for awhile.

Yesterday, when I woke up and you were sitting by my bedside crying, I realized how deep I've hurt you. You never cry, Dean. That's how I know I hurt you badly and don't know if you can ever forgive me for this. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.

Shelly comes to visit often. She's my best friend at school as well as my only friend. I hope you get to meet her and I'm sorry that she had to call you. I didn't ask her to, she just knew that I needed you and you needed to know.

I love you, Dean. Even through all my confusion, I was sure of that.

Sammy

Sammy,

I walked into our home and was confronted by the scene you left behind. I had to throw the bedding and the mattress, too. I'll have to call a professional carpet cleaner to get the blood out of the carpet. The knife you used was one that I bought you for your sixteenth birthday.

Instead of walking into our home, I walked into a nightmare. Blood was all over and the smell was overwhelming. You had nothing in the fridge or cupboards to eat, pictures of Jessica and you were scattered all through the house.

The kitchen chairs were busted up. The bathroom mirror was shattered and the shower curtain was ripped off the hooks. Although I don't know every detail of what happened, I have a good picture of how much anger and hurt you had in you.

Whatever is wrong, we can fix it. We can patch things up with Bobby. Maybe Bobby could try to get through to Dad. Maybe school isn't where you belong. There are many things we can change, Sammy. We can just keep trying until we get it right.

I love you. I'll be up to the hospital when I can. I want all of this to be fixed before you come home.

Remember how much I love you.

Dean

Dean,

Today was a draining day for me. I got your letter in the morning and read it. I don't recall causing that much damage. I'm sorry that I did all that. I'm sorry you have to fix it.

When you came to see me, we talked about the choices I have, or we have. It was nice to be reminded that there are other options out there. Still, I just wish I could take it all back.

I know you said that there is nothing to forgive but I still feel guilty. I never meant to hurt you, Dean. I just needed to end my own pain. In the hazy confusion of pain, hurt and betrayal, I couldn't see the wonderful things that we have. I can see them now, though.

I wouldn't blame you if you left me, but I know you won't do it. If you need a break from everything that comes along with me, all my baggage at the moment, take one. I understand. And I know you'll come back.

I love you and miss you.

Sammy

Sammy,

I'm leaving for Bobby's today. I'm going to drive straight through and then Bobby is going to drive straight through to get us back. This way he has one day to get rid of Dad before I arrive. Bobby knows I won't be nice about kicking Dad out if he's still there when I arrive.

You and me will bring Bobby back when you're feeling better. It would be a nice road trip for us and this is a vacation for Bobby. He's never been to California. We have to take him to see the ocean. That's his only requirement for coming.

Shelly said she'll check on you. The house is almost ready for you to come home.

I love you, Sammy. Nothing to feel guilty about, nothing needs to be forgiven. I love you unconditionally.

Dean

Dean,

I know you'll be dead tired when you read this. Thanks for getting Bobby and fixing the house back up. I can't wait to get home.

I've been thinking about choices we have laid out in front of us. There are so many ways we could take from here. What if we choose the wrong one?

There is going to be some permanent damage to my arm. Loss of range of motion and strength, basically. I'm working with a physical therapist right now to lessen the effects of the trauma to my arm. I might need you to help me with the exercises when I get home.

Guess I'll see you when you get here. I'm making a list of pros and cons for each choice we have available.

I love you. I miss you.

Sammy.

Sammy,

When I left this morning, you were still asleep. I'm glad the new bed is one you like. You'll have to find those special sheets you liked so much.

Last night, when you laughed at one of Bobby's jokes, it occurred to me that it had been a long time since I'd heard that laugh of yours. I didn't notice when it was gone but I swear I'll notice if it disappears again.

Being able to hold you in my arms as I slept was a wonderful feeling. I finally feel at home. That's when I realized how often I've been gone lately.

So this morning I am off to a couple job interviews. There are two garages and three bars. I'll check them out and see if anyone wants to hire me part-time. I've only ever hunted, Sammy, so working part-time is a big step for me.

I love you and I'll see you soon.

Dean

Dean,

I tried to wait up for you but I got too tired. Bobby and I had a good talk tonight. Did you know a friend of his from high school was gay?

We talked about life and how hunting can be a hobby or just a memory. It isn't something we have to feel obliged to do because we were raised in it.

Bobby was never upset with us, Dean. He was mad at Dad. He knows that life is hard even harder when you're alone. He thinks that when you find love, you have to grab it. It is what makes life worth living. Us being brothers gives him the creeps a little but otherwise he's okay with us.

I love you, Dean. I'm glad you are home.

Sammy

Sammy,

Summer break is almost here. We should start thinking about bringing Bobby back home and if we want to move. We could pick another city, state, whatever. Bobby said we could stay with him for awhile if we want to. He'll even keep Dad away. Dad's called Bobby but Bobby never told him what happened because he figured it wasn't any of his business.

I'd like to live somewhere that has all four seasons. I miss having snow for Christmas. I miss the smell of burning leaves. Just something for you to think about until I get home. They have me closing again tonight so I will be late. I'll wake you when I get there.

You can also think about what you'd like to do for work. Although you went into law, I'm sure some of your classes qualify you for some occupation. If not, and you decide to go to a trade school, we can do that, too.

Time got away from me. I need to hurry or I'll be late.

I love you. I love you very much.

Dean

Sammy,

Last night you sounded so stressed out. I'm glad you were finally able to tell me what was worrying you. I am your brother and your lover. I am here to help lighten your load. Just like you can help me with mine. There is nothing we can't handle together. Nothing.

Shelly picked up some papers from the school for you. I put them on the table. She is a very nice girl with an awesome rack! You never told me that part. It would have been important if I was still into that, I mean.

My work has okayed one month off. So pack your bags and tell Bobby to pack his. We can leave when I get home tonight. I'm usually still wired so I can drive.

Remember how much I love you. When you look at whatever Shelly brought, remember what that school almost took from you, from us.

You are worth more than any damn school.

Dean

Dean,

I went to town with Bobby to get some groceries. You looked so peaceful that I had to let you rest. It feels good to here.

I don't want to go back to California. Having the four seasons would be nice, too.

I haven't decided if a small town or big city would be better suited for us. A large city would have other 'alternative' people. A small town wouldn't.

I'd like to work at a library or bookstore. I know that's not a job a kid from Stanford gets, but it is what I'd like. It would make me happy.

Hope you have a good sleep. I'll come up and join you if you're still sleeping when we get back.

I love you.

Sammy

Sammy,

I've come to the conclusion that just being partners is not enough. I want people to know how committed we are to each other. I want others to notice how much we're in love. I think some straight people could learn from us about keeping a relationship alive.

I would like for us to have a commitment ceremony. It won't be legal but it's the meaning behind it that I want. I want us to have bands, even if we wear them on different fingers. I want to be able to tell others that one of us changed our last name so they would be the same.

Let me know what you think of this. I'm out working on cars for Bobby. Come out and talk to me when you've made up your mind or want to discuss it further.

I love you no matter what you decide.

Dean

Dean,

Today I get to be your husband and you get to be mine. You have made me so happy. I hope you like the ceremony that I planned.

The pastor is a former hunter. We're going to have the blessings of the rings like at any wedding, along with the 'I do' part.

I ordered a special cake for us and some boutonnieres. Bobby said he'd take pictures.

I can't believe how nervous I am. I'm just so excited that we are doing this--that you love me this much.

I'll love you forever, Dean. I've known that from the start.

Sammy

Sammy,

I sold our house and bought a nice lake cabin not too far from Bobby's. It's just a couple of hours away. Bobby has been helping me finish it without you knowing. We've been very sneaky!

Anyhow, that's where we go after our ceremony today. The cabin isn't fully furnished but it will be a nice quiet retreat for a few days.

As a surprise, I got a telescope so we can look at the stars over the lake. I didn't forget, Sammy. I reread your letters as many times as you read mine. I missed you just as much, even though I couldn't say it very well back then.

Now I am ready to shout it to the world because I'm sure of us, our love, and all the joys that lie ahead.

Dean

Sammy,

I don't know if you'd call what we had a honeymoon, but I had a splendid time in our new home.

Every time the light reflects off my silver band I have to smile. I am so happy that we're together.

I'm on the road to California. I need to tie up some loose ends for us and then I'll be right back. Bobby should be on his way out to see you if you want to stay at our home or his. You can also get the little things that I forgot to get. I don't mind how our home is decorated but I figured it might matter to you. So, go ahead. I'll be happy to come home to a fully-furnished home.

I love you, Sammy. You are my husband as I am yours. It's forever and it's real.

Dean

Dean,

Fall is a beautiful season to move in. We didn't get too warm moving items in and we didn't have to go through a foot of snow or jump the springtime puddles.

I found us a hot tub that will go just outside the cabin. We can even sit in there when there is snow on the ground. Bobby thought it was a waste of money but I remember how much you liked the whirlpool at the hotel.

My gold band keeps catching my eye. Every time it does, my heart leaps for joy because I know I have all I'll ever need or want. I have you.

Hurry home from California. I start at the library in town in a week and you start at the garage in two weeks. We'll be normal working folks. Well, almost normal.

Yes, fall is a great time to start over. I'm just waiting for you so our new lives can begin.

Your husband,

Sammy


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